Molly's Monkey Mandate

I have never met a monkey face to face.  I really like cartoon monkeys and caricatures, I especially like the three wise monkeys of "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil".  However, I don't want to have any run-ins with said primates and prefer not to get any rabies vaccinations. The following list are some guidelines to a more symbiotic relationship to our distant brethren.

• Don't show fear but don't be aggressive.
• Don't smile; showing ones teeth is a sign of aggression.
• If a monkey wants something you have, don't play tug-of-war.  Let them have it and hopefully they will drop it after further examination (if you're lucky it won't be off the side of the mountain).
• Don't offer them any food.  Once you refuse to give them food, they will get pissed and come after you.
• Be careful taking pictures as they can see their reflection and will think it's another monkey.
• If they climb on your shoulders, don't worry & don't panic.  The monkey is now your puppeteer and he will make you dance comically whilst pulling the strings of your hair, but only for a couple of humiliating minutes.  Nah, just wait until he's ready to climb down.
• Hey guess what, that backpack you left on the beach, yes the one zipped shut, he knows how to open it.  Any food nearby, that's his too.
• If a monkey is threatening you and slinging insults, start with Yo Mama jokes.  You may not win but you will definitely get some great digs in.  Alright, if a monkey is threatening you, stand your ground.  This is the time you need to be aggressive.  Wave your arms, yell LOUDLY, pick up a stick, in general make yourself bigger.  If you have to retreat, back away slowly while facing the offender.  However, I think you're s.o.l. if a barrel of monkeys blocks your way.